I Am The 1 in 4 :: My Miscarriage Story

I Am The 1 in 4 :: My Miscarriage Story

• 10.18.2019

I feel like talking about miscarriage is so taboo. There is a certain stigma of shame and guilt that swarms around this topic — I know I felt both those things with crippling fear after my loss. With October being infant loss awareness month, I wanted to share my story & perspective of what it's like for your first pregnancy to end in loss. 

I've shared about it on Instagram throughout the past three years, but have deleted them because I felt like those words didn't do my story justice. Today, I am putting it all on the table in hopes that someone stumbles across these words and feels encouraged. 

The Loss

SIX WEEKS PREGNANT | SEPTEMBER 2015

About a month after this photo was taken, I made a trip to the ER which resulted in us going home without a baby. I had just gotten back from a vacation in Florida that was interrupted by my fears that I may be miscarrying. I was at Disney World and had started to feel cramps in my abdomen and wiped a bit of blood upon a visit to the bathroom. A quick google search led me to convince myself that everything was fine & that I was just spotting. I went on my vacation and thought nothing of the constant cramps. But the day after I came home, I woke up at 4 am and felt intense pain... I went to the bathroom and to my horror, I was bleeding heavily... I knew then, it was happening. We went to the ER because my mother insisted I go and then a huge blow delivered to a couple who had just spent the last 12 weeks excitedly telling everyone who would listen that they were gonna be parents. The doctor confirmed, there was no baby. I miscarried at 12 weeks. I had almost made it to the second trimester and the pain set in like a tsunami. 

The grieving period was a rough one for us and while my husband was an amazing support system, I felt like my body had betrayed me. Something I couldn’t explain to anyone because everyone avoided the topic and anyone who wanted to talk to me about it would be immediately shut down because I didn’t want their pity. I started wondering if my body would even be able to carry to full term and loathed the idea of getting pregnant again because what if this would become a pattern? I mean, everything seemed to intensify the idea that I wasn’t going to have my baby? 

I had recently bought this baby cheetah stuffed animal (and named her Dotty) in my excitement to collect baby things. Every time I saw it in my closet, I’d break down in tears. I asked my husband to hide it because the mere thought of throwing it away only made my heart hurt more. 

I spent a lot of time alone, praying and asking God why He would do this to me. I had helped my mother raise my six siblings and felt so angry. I knew a lot of the kinks to motherhood already. I had practiced my whole life, I was ready to be a mom, so why was I watching all my other pregnant friends nearing their due dates while I was sitting on the floor childless?

The holidays rolled around and I just felt so lost -- I turned to more prayer & more hidden sessions of tears because people just assume that you’re over it after a few weeks. No one really acknowledges your loss even though you’re tormented with the idea of blame. It’s swept under the rug under the guise of “this is natural” & “sometimes things are just meant to happen.” Words that were meant for comfort, but I took with a bitter heart. 

DECEMBER 2015 

The new year rolled around and I got super sick. It was the sickest I’ve ever been and in retrospect, I see that had I been pregnant, I wouldn’t have been able to take the medicine I needed to get better. That's how I console the pain to this day -- everything happens for a reason, I tell myself over and over until I feel a little bit better. 

We got pregnant again in February and then October 2016 my sweet Felix was born. I've had three successful pregnancies since our loss and there is not a season in life that I don't think about our first baby. 

I ended up giving Dotty to Felix when he was born and she now is well-loved by all three of my boys. When I see them snuggling her and giving her nose kisses, I am reminded that beauty is all around me even though I went through a tremendous season of pain when I lost our baby. Dotty is a beautiful bittersweet reminder of a baby that would have been so loved and cherished by all of us. 

I guess I’m sharing this for two reasons: 

ONE: Miscarriage is NOT a taboo subject and should be acknowledged and talked through. The emotions you feel are so raw and real. The urge to deal with it alone and to constantly blame + punish yourself should be addressed. It wasn't your fault and please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. 

Here's something no one tells you -- miscarriage robs you of joy. 

Every pregnancy since our loss, I hold my breath until I hit 15 weeks. I never announce before the second trimester. We tell our parents and then wait. Any sign of blood sends me into an instant panic. I have bled through most of my pregnancies, sometimes vessels in my placenta burst and I immediately think the worst. Miscarriage is something that is at the back of your mind.... and it never truly goes away. 

I think of my angel baby often. It's hard to think about the fact that you lost a child even if you never got hold of them. Our mothering hearts are attached and invested the moment we read a positive pregnancy test. The road to healing is long, it's painful, but you will get there in time. 

TWO: There is power in prayer. For me, the idea that I was alone was probably what had me going in a downward spiral. People tried to console me with words that felt empty as others avoided the topic altogether. Prayer was the only way I was able to channel all my frustration and hurt. I was able to talk through all my feelings + vocalize my anger & that’s what I love about God. He allows you to pour out your bitter heart without judgment.

Trust me when I say it wasn’t just crying softly. Tt was streaming my pain through hot tears & harsh words knowing that He was there holding on to me as I was so out of control when it came to my thoughts and emotions. In those very moments, as strange as it sounds, I felt the most loved. #godisgood even when life is not the greatest, a lesson I am reminded through every hardship this life hands me. 

In short, I want all my mama friends to know that my inbox is always open. If you need a friend to listen as you pour out a heavy heart and if you want someone to share in your joys or just someone to pray with you, I'm your gal. I am here for anyone who needs a friend.